Let me start this on a very frank note. I never thought I would be writing a review on Dhoom 3. I had wasted literally an hour and a half watching the first half of this joke in the name of a movie. And on top of that, I am wasting my time writing this joke in the name of a review. So what triggered me on the first day of 2014 to write about something as shitty as Dhoom 3?
‘The No.1 film in the history of Indian Cinema’ – screams a poster of Dhoom 3 in the TOI (let) paper. Imagine that? How many people must have been involved in bringing that poster to print and to our doorsteps to mock our intelligence on this first day of 2014 – people involved in the design, proof reading, printing, the editor and so on. Did they secretly smile to themselves when they saw it, maybe even winked at each other and whispered ‘Kissiko pata nahi chalega yaar!’. Or were they really serious? Were they actually calling it the ‘No.1 film in the history of Indian Cinema’? The only thought the poster brought to me, was to take the paper to my loo and do both No.1 and No.2 on it. But that was mighty easy – since doing No.1 and No.2 in the morning comes without effort to us. So, I decided to take the more difficult option – write a review on Dhoom 3.
By the way, did you guys notice there has been no content in this review till now? Just like Dhoom 3. There is absolutely nothing in the movie – no plot, no entertainment, no comedy, no hot scene – zilch. There is just Aamir staring at you with raised eyebrows throughout the movie. Raised eyebrows – hmmm, that reminds me – there was a movie ‘Shootout at lokhandwala’ which had the joke in the name of an actor Tushar kapoor – who played a gangster in the movie and covered up his inability at emoting anger and vengeance by shouting dialogues with his eyebrows raised all the time. Well (Aamir fans, please skip this line), here is another actor who is as inept at emoting anger or playing a villain. The movie is a pathetic half-baked copy of Prestige, half-baked, only because surely, the scriptwriters were too high to copy it perfectly. The stunt scenes go overboard and makes me wonder whether they would have made more money by calling the movie a spoof on Dhoom, maybe an actual 50 crore of the bluff 300 crore amount. Abhishek Bachchan (Amitabhji, what sin did you commit? or was it Rekhaji’s curse?) makes a laugh-out-loud entry in an auto rickshaw and mind you, does a wheelie in the same (move aside, Rajani!). Then there is the joker Aamir, oops sorry magician Aamir, who runs his bike on a rope between two buildings. But you know what? Aamir is known to interfere with the direction in his movies, and he is rumoured to have done the same here – so the masterpiece scene of him riding a bike on a rope has added challenges. There is a train running directly towards the rope and Aamir jokingly, oops magically, oops masterfully, just crosses the rope as the train cuts into it (get over Ghulam, Aamir joker khan). It does not end there, in another fart-taking stunt (why should everyhting be breathtaking? Dhoom 3 takes away my farts), the bike falls into a river, and our joker Khan just presses a button which transforms the bike into a motorboat. Oh by the way, I did mean to add a ‘Spoilers ahead’ phrase but then I figured – Can I actually spoil Dhoom 3 any more? Ok, ok, there is a small consolation – Katrina doing a pole dance. But hell, Katrina – a little more skin please – in fact Ranbir exposes more than you do – remember Saawariya? Give us something for our money! Oh yes, the other good part – Uday Chopra. Hey, I am serious; the viewer rarely gets a chance to see someone as idiotic as him on-screen, once every 4-5 years, when the Dhoom movie comes out. He gives hope to all the strugglers “Ye kar sakta hai toh main kyun nahi”. Add to that the fact, that he is having fun with Nargis Fakhri, and Uday Chopra becomes the epitome of hope for humanity.
That’s that, then – let us end this joke of a review. Yash Raj films, please take some inspiration from AIB (All India bhakchod, for the not-so-bhakchods). Their sarcastic 5 minute video was more creative and entertaining than your 3 hour trash movie. Rating? – Minus 3 stars!